urgent and awake

i feel urgent
alarmingly awake. I don't know what the hell I was thinking - leaving all of those books and journals and words in my dorm room. I can't function without them for 3 weeks, what did I possibly think I would do without them! It's like trying to quit smoking, I get that itch for them, to hold them, feel the paper on my fingertips, read the words embedded deeply into my mind, hear the way they sound in the air. I just need it to convince myself of myself. Why? This must be some sort of cycle - I mean, spiritually, we go through all sorts of cycles, right? All sorts of valleys and mountains, all sorts of lessons and songs. Well I'm not quite sure, but it has to be connected somehow. I've come to realize I need to be reminded that those stories and words fail me so that I can only see Him, because even though I know it in my head I always seem to think my way is fine. Fine, it's fine.
Old friends are leaving and taking bits of me and regret of words unsaid
family is becoming blurred faces in a crowd of millions to be left soon crying out for truth
futures are being built brick by brick and suffocating my feeble hands to where I can't accept the depth of my past and the clear and fearful footsteps of my future
and none of it feels right or whole..
I'm so exhausted with being wrong.
I'm so exhausted with fighting myself, prolonging the pain of laying it all on the line, all the layers of myself that the world molds and shapes me to be. I'm just prolonging the raw truth of my brokenness and inability to cope with reality, its like telling myself it's okay to pretend everything is alright for just a little longer even when I know that I always lose when its just me.
Is it just me? Of course its not, He is bigger than a feeling. Sure, I'd love to feel that love right about now, but i'm so indifferent and numb and in this pit and I can't really see where my footing is, so I grab onto anything because I just can't trust that His hand will be there, yes I grab anything, rocks, branches, crumbled sand and holes, they all fail me and I fall deeper into the dark when I'm telling myself, just a little longer, or just let go, it doesn't matter because my mind and my heart tell me two different things.
No this is not a desperate cry for anything really, its just a simple acknowledgement that
Oh My God
I can't do it by myself and
I know I'm not made to.
But praise God all the more, and I really mean that- with every scrape from every rock and every blow that the world can give me - because I am being made weaker, closer and closer to admitting defeat and what a beauitful thing it will be, knowing that admitting defeat means joyful salvation. I know it, and I praise Him, that all of his works would be made in me, that all the doors will be open and His light would shine through, that He would be manifested in my body and my heart and everything that I do, that I would find refuge in the God of the Universe - Praise God! I Will, and I will wait patiently for the Lord, for my God never fails me.


In Love,
Mollie