listening

"If you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly."

- Andrew Harvey

urgent and awake

i feel urgent
alarmingly awake. I don't know what the hell I was thinking - leaving all of those books and journals and words in my dorm room. I can't function without them for 3 weeks, what did I possibly think I would do without them! It's like trying to quit smoking, I get that itch for them, to hold them, feel the paper on my fingertips, read the words embedded deeply into my mind, hear the way they sound in the air. I just need it to convince myself of myself. Why? This must be some sort of cycle - I mean, spiritually, we go through all sorts of cycles, right? All sorts of valleys and mountains, all sorts of lessons and songs. Well I'm not quite sure, but it has to be connected somehow. I've come to realize I need to be reminded that those stories and words fail me so that I can only see Him, because even though I know it in my head I always seem to think my way is fine. Fine, it's fine.
Old friends are leaving and taking bits of me and regret of words unsaid
family is becoming blurred faces in a crowd of millions to be left soon crying out for truth
futures are being built brick by brick and suffocating my feeble hands to where I can't accept the depth of my past and the clear and fearful footsteps of my future
and none of it feels right or whole..
I'm so exhausted with being wrong.
I'm so exhausted with fighting myself, prolonging the pain of laying it all on the line, all the layers of myself that the world molds and shapes me to be. I'm just prolonging the raw truth of my brokenness and inability to cope with reality, its like telling myself it's okay to pretend everything is alright for just a little longer even when I know that I always lose when its just me.
Is it just me? Of course its not, He is bigger than a feeling. Sure, I'd love to feel that love right about now, but i'm so indifferent and numb and in this pit and I can't really see where my footing is, so I grab onto anything because I just can't trust that His hand will be there, yes I grab anything, rocks, branches, crumbled sand and holes, they all fail me and I fall deeper into the dark when I'm telling myself, just a little longer, or just let go, it doesn't matter because my mind and my heart tell me two different things.
No this is not a desperate cry for anything really, its just a simple acknowledgement that
Oh My God
I can't do it by myself and
I know I'm not made to.
But praise God all the more, and I really mean that- with every scrape from every rock and every blow that the world can give me - because I am being made weaker, closer and closer to admitting defeat and what a beauitful thing it will be, knowing that admitting defeat means joyful salvation. I know it, and I praise Him, that all of his works would be made in me, that all the doors will be open and His light would shine through, that He would be manifested in my body and my heart and everything that I do, that I would find refuge in the God of the Universe - Praise God! I Will, and I will wait patiently for the Lord, for my God never fails me.


In Love,
Mollie

oh but a softer side

Beams of night light from our Christmas moon
Offer snow shine and red light blooms
And a glitter haze on a hilltop far away
Makes this cold cold eve a warm holiday
But take me into your world
Shake me and shape me into pearls
And oh that face pressed to this palm of mine
Soft and dear and oh so kind
Lilting choirs sing all their carol tunes
Love transpires under the Christmas moon
And couples sleep hand in hand eyes wide
For the morning will draw near with God on their side
But take me into your world
Yes shake me and shape me into pearls
And oh that face pressed to this palm of mine
Soft and dear and oh so kind
Soft and dear and all mine

- Brooke Waggoner

I've never felt this feel so heavy
And I've never felt this feel so low
Yeah it is a weight inside my whole soul
But You are my strength, I won't stand alone
And ask for the things you lack in heart
And You can begin a clean new start
Oh to be the purest of pure in His arms
Yeah He, He will shield you from all harm
I tried my best alone but it got me nowhere,
I can't do it on my own...
But I've never felt this feel so heavy
And I've never felt this feel so low

- Brooke Waggoner

commercial love

christmas is a ghost;


but it used to be different

we're all chasing after a reoccuring dream thats never as colorful as it was before




&& the world is a vampire

I didn't want any flowers

"He's alright! Aren't you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together..."
- Audrey Hepburn

I love this, it makes me smile when I look at Freddie in his fish bowl. I named him, this is true, but I still like to entertain the thoughts that we just happened to find one another and we don't really belong to each other. It's light. He is blue green and cute. He loves poetry. What is better in life than to read your fish some poetry? He especially likes tulips, by Plath. Oh I wish everything was as simple as life with Freddie. Maybe it is,

maybe it is.

In Love,
Mollie

lyrics always find me when I need them

why did it never occur to me
that Your love runs deeper
than my moods or reservations
- This Providence


Out of my bondage, sorrow and night.
Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come.
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light.
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of my sickness, into Thy health,
Out of my wanting and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself.
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come.
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy palm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come.
Into Thy blessed will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair, into raptures above,
Upward forever on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come.
Into the joy and light of Thy home,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.
- Shelly Moore Band

a little christmas reminiscence

It's almost Christmas but it really doesn't feel like it at all... maybe it's because i'm back from college and that is just how it will be from now on. I don't know. Maybe it's because most traditions you have growing up seem to fade and it no longer feels familiar. How can everything make me feel so nostalgic, and so unfamiliar all at the same time? I guess that's what the holidays are, all wrapped up together in bows. I miss the excitement. It makes me grasp onto what I have right now so tightly that I suffocate... I keep thinking about my window and how pretty soon it will be sealed and nailed with a screen, preventing me from going out onto the roof (we're selling our house). And then I think about this house being gone, and meeting with the family in random houses that hold no memories, soft or rigid. I think about my kitten Stella that I wouldn't let sleep anywhere but right under my neck for 5 months and then having her disappear to some new home where she probably sleeps on someone else's neck. I think about the people that used to be a big part of christmas that are no longer here, and how strangely... accepting it is to move on without them in the picture. I mean you choke a little bit when you try to swallow it all in, but eventually it just dissolves in the back of your mind. And I think about who else will fit that mold one day. Oh- it is a beautifully sad holiday. That's all I really wanted to say...

In Love,
Mollie