ghost

comfort was hard to find when you're a child who can't sleep.

For some reason I always found myself tracing my little fingers

along the wood design of your door

wondering if it would be okay to let myself knock.
wondering if maybe I could walk into your life and it would be okay,

It would be better.

I could usually see the light on, when I was younger.

you always seemed so much older than I was.

but even still, I was infatuated by the way you distanced yourself

the farther away you became the more I wanted to know you

but I didn't know how.
I still don't know how.

I followed you everywhere. We joke about it you know,

but I really wanted to be near you all the time.

I saved everything you made me, and the nights we fought over

silly childish things, I would cry with such strong conviction,

even so young I could feel that separation, so unsettling.

you. were ALWAYS. right.

no matter what, you knew the secrets of the universe, and I believed it

for so long. I became bitter soon after I realized it was kind of impossible

to be indulged in your world. I don't think you meant it,

but I will never forget the times you wanted to be left alone

and all I wanted to do was be anything for you.

anything.

Soon I just detached myself. Growing up for me was realizing that

you aren't really a hero.

It pains me to say it because I don't want you to think you've disappointed me

I don't want you to think that I look down on you, because I could never feel that way.

I still want that love from you, so much sometimes that I can't get past it

I get so angry.

I just want to know why, why don't you call me?

Why didn't you ever tell me you loved me, why can't we hug and talk about our lives?

no, not talk about our fucking lives but talk about who you are

and who I am

and what we really think and feel and want from these layers of life

I'm so sick of it, i'm so mad, i'm so hurt seeing your brokenness and just watching you

growing up for me was when I figured out what you need and what I need and

they're the same, we're the same.
and you don't see it, knowledge isn't everything, this is something I learned on my own

a man who is hurt will make himself an expert, but if you can't recognize that

than I don't know how to reach you and i've been looking for ways

but I've come to find its not so easy.

So I guess its like this: I'm still waiting at the door wondering

in case you're waiting on the other side and wondering..

I love you.