scared

I guess if there is a place to talk about your deepest fears, this would be it.
Even though words, like everything else, fail you.

I'm scared.
Let me start off by admitting what I try to cover up. Because its not worth it, and in order for anyone reading this to understand why certain things in life get under my skin, you should probably know that its really only because I'm scared. That way, we can both be enlightened on how pathetic that really is. Okay. Good? Good. Moving on.

I kind of always knew I would struggle being a young life leader. Well, a leader at all to be real with you. I'm the most disorganized, scatter-brained, unreliable, flaky person you'll ever meet probably (it's okay, I'm going to be extremely honest with you in this blog, so don't let anything shock you even though I'm sure it hasn't yet). I was blessed to be on a team with Jen Lewis. Meet my mom of the middle creek/holy springs team. She's fantastic! I can honestly say that when I got a phone call that they affirmed my calling of being a young life leader, I was still hesitant until I saw that she was on my team, and then I decided to breathe for the first time. She is organized. She calls me when anything is happening or when I need to be anywhere, and more than half of the time, my reaction is usually "oh! I had no idea.. okay, be right there." She is patient with me, understands me, is always pursuing me and loving me. I love her, really. Austin is the most enthusiastic, energetic, positive person there is. I've probably only had about a MILLION frustrated choked-up-snot-dripping-down-my-nose kind of cries with him firmly saying "Mollie. Trust. This is going to work out. This is the Big Man we're talking about." He is the constant reminder of the group that we can do anything He calls us to do, and that kind of encouragement is hard to find. Like I said, I've been pretty blessed on this team.

Needless to say, I've never really felt that heavy feeling of ... its all on you. I mean I guess I have in some situations, but never so .. real. (Not usually fond of the leader role, keep that in mind don't forget that one its kind of important in why I suck at this, oh and also I hope you haven't already forgotten the main reason things get under my skin -scared, remember that one.) So basically, I've come to find that my responsibilities are a little overbearing right now. I'm not going to lie, I've been really frustrated with the lack of help I've received with what needs to be done before camp happens. No ones fault really, I just like to be whiny about a lot of things. But like I said, I've been blessed to have Jen who has already stepped up to say that since I am helplessly in Richmond and cannot help any girls raise money for camp, she would be around to take them wherever they need to be and stay by their side. Did I mention I love her? I mean, that's amazing lets be serious.

I was just informed that the team I love is splitting into two teams. I guess people feel like I can tackle middle creek without Jen and Austin, which I would love to see how that thought process played out, really. But in all seriousness, they feel strongly that Jen and Austin need to be at Holy Springs, and I need to be at middle creek. Let me start off by saying, I am overjoyed with what has already happened at Holy Springs. Christ is all OVER that place! I mean, I'm not kidding, I'm faint with joy about how Jen and the others have really pursued administration, kids, parents, and how such ease has been the reaction to meeting kids and introducing young life to this new school. I really had shivers at hearing about how real Christ was on the move there. Reaping the Spirit there, and those benefits.. its something to be praised, its pure and beautiful and I want nothing more than to say GOD IS GOOD!
Christ is all over Middle Creek too. In a different way, I see so many opportunities to let Him in, I see him in the need and the brokenness, It's so crazy how I personally have seen Him in just the few times I've been there.. (we're not allowed on campus here, but the days that I have been able to be there, they have not been coincidental and Christ is totally there).
So initially Jen is focused on Holly Springs (and rocking it, because shes awesome and did I say I love her 10 times yet, because I should) and Austin is both holly springs and middle creek, and has met guys at both schools, also rocking it. I am focused on middle creek. I don't have a car. But no excuses, Morgan has graciously taken me out there, not even on her team, and each encounter has been so exciting that I probably talk her ear off about how much I love them already.

I just found out that Austin is now solely focused on holly springs. I want this. But lets go back to my first problem.. I'm scared. I know that holly spring needs attention. I am excited for everything going on there. But I've heard Austin talk about his excitement for middle creek and holly springs, but I do understand its hard to focus on two different schools. I just pray that Middle Creek would know my Jesus, and I am so scared to tackle that alone.

so that's one little perspective of my big problem of being scared, now lets look at it as a whole. I mean why not? If I'm going to put my fears and insecurities and ugliness under a microscope for everyone in the world and their moms to see, I might as well examine everything.

I'm scared. I am so deeply afraid of what I'm doing all the time and who I am all the time that I am enslaved to that fear of failure, even when I know that the God of the universe personally loves me and has provided for me abundant life at my fingertips, I still chose death everyday, I still run from that life through these things that enslave me such as fear, and THAT is why I am human and sinful to the core of who I am, to my painful, broken, and poisoned heart. I. Am. Hurt. I still need Jesus everyday, just as much as I did the moment He found me and I accepted Him.

They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.
- 2 Peter 2:19

This is the very reason that I fall more in love with my Jesus everyday: He refines me. He is so patient in revealing Himself to me, He never gives up on me though I give up on myself and others give up on me, His love never runs dry to the point where the concept is so absurd and no longer familiar but outrageous and becoming harder and harder to grasp in such a beautiful way that it makes me laugh..

" I chortled and then prayed, wondering if prayer and laughter gurgled up, sometime, from the same spring" - Sena Naslund

He disciplines me because He loves me, He knows the longings of my heart, even deeper than my own understanding, and even I know that the ways of this world are constantly competing for His place as Lord of my life. I fail, everyday. He is sufficient and STILL I search after love, comfort, satisfaction, happiness, in all different places, illusions, and areas of my life. Sometimes I think about why I cannot forget myself fully to glorify Him and full fill His purpose for me. This fear that enslaves me just buries pain and bitterness, anger, indifference, feelings of intense separation and nothing feels right or whole when I let it seep into my life.. I admit it, right now, to God and everyone: I let jealousy reign in my life. I compare myself as a young life leader, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, as a christian. It is the THIEF of all joy. I let illusions and appearance overcome me and get in the way of loving Him, even when I KNOW that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman that fears the Lord is to be praised. It controls me sometimes and I cannot filter out what the world may think about me. I let doubt consume me, I cannot trust with so many areas of my life. It swallows my heart. I fall into self pity, when it's utterly ridiculous that something so small should upset me considering the blessings I've received. The norms of society enslave me. Am I too afraid to live a radical life for you Lord? Am I too uncomfortable with being bold for You? Wanting whats comfortable! Wanting. Why do I settle for that? I am so selfish. I am SO. selfish.

I pray, Holy Fountain, consume me with You. Captivate me with You. I constantly let my self consciousness and doubt tell me what I fear: failure. I tell myself I cannot possibly be what You called me to be. God, Let every chain break around me. Forgive me for what I am, for what I do, for what I don't do, for horribly representing your Son, for all of this fear that blocks your Spirit like a spring of living water, I am deeply sorry for my sin grieving others, for the way that it grieves You. Take me away from this place. Teach me to die to myself so that I will not be a slave to these things that have mastered me any longer, God. You are much bigger. You're presence is thick, your presence is tangible. That strength.. you never leave me. I want to yearn for your word, Put your desires in my heart, make me so open to your will, take everything else out, every selfish ambition out of my heart and purify me. I don't want to be apart of the ways of this world any longer, renew my mind, it's because of your precious Son and that he's chosen me, It's because of what Your Son has done for me that I can pray to you. Thank You God, may it continue to grow into such an absurd, beautiful love.
Amen.