doctor doctor my hearts made of glass

I heard a song today and it made me think about something.
There are a LOT of songs out there that include the whole doctor metaphor.
Although, it's interesting, because the lyrics seem to reach out for more than just a doctor to help with cures or phsyical needs, but they seem to reach more profound places, touching on a need for something more.. our world is crying out for a Healer, it's absolutely everywhere, just turn on your radio and do a little more than just hearing the music.. really listen to it.


How long must I wait held up in depression?
I tried to erase my past, to make a good impression
But my broken horn's lost the tune
And only shattered mirrors fill my room
Fell for you and only got me down
Well Doctor Doctor come give me the cure
Easily obsess on an open sore
Doctor Doctor can't get no relief
This losing sleep is misery
Won't you come and rescue me?
Doctor, Doctor
- matt costa


I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you that you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
- bright eyes


And despite what all the studies had shown
In what was mistaken for closeness was just a case of mitosis
Why do some show no mercy
While others are painfully shy?
Tell me doctor can you quantify?
‘Cause he just wants to know the reason why
Why do they congregate in groups of four
Scatter like a billion spores
And let the wind just carry them away?
How can kids be so mean
Our famous doctor tried to glean
As he went home at the end of the day
In this Nature show that rages every day
Well does anybody's intuition say
That we are all basically alone.
- andrew bird


Since my people are crushed, I am crushed;
I mourn and horror grips me.
Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no physician there?
Why then is there no healing
for the wound of my people?
Oh, that my head were a spring of water
and my eyes a fountain of tears!
Jeremiah 8:21-22...


Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it;
I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.
I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity
and will rebuild them as they were before.
I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed agaisnt me
Jeremiah 33:6-8



Praise God! There is a Healer!

i feel it

"I was shocked not so much at the blow

but by the calmness of my own voice.

But tears had jumped into my eyes."

scared

I guess if there is a place to talk about your deepest fears, this would be it.
Even though words, like everything else, fail you.

I'm scared.
Let me start off by admitting what I try to cover up. Because its not worth it, and in order for anyone reading this to understand why certain things in life get under my skin, you should probably know that its really only because I'm scared. That way, we can both be enlightened on how pathetic that really is. Okay. Good? Good. Moving on.

I kind of always knew I would struggle being a young life leader. Well, a leader at all to be real with you. I'm the most disorganized, scatter-brained, unreliable, flaky person you'll ever meet probably (it's okay, I'm going to be extremely honest with you in this blog, so don't let anything shock you even though I'm sure it hasn't yet). I was blessed to be on a team with Jen Lewis. Meet my mom of the middle creek/holy springs team. She's fantastic! I can honestly say that when I got a phone call that they affirmed my calling of being a young life leader, I was still hesitant until I saw that she was on my team, and then I decided to breathe for the first time. She is organized. She calls me when anything is happening or when I need to be anywhere, and more than half of the time, my reaction is usually "oh! I had no idea.. okay, be right there." She is patient with me, understands me, is always pursuing me and loving me. I love her, really. Austin is the most enthusiastic, energetic, positive person there is. I've probably only had about a MILLION frustrated choked-up-snot-dripping-down-my-nose kind of cries with him firmly saying "Mollie. Trust. This is going to work out. This is the Big Man we're talking about." He is the constant reminder of the group that we can do anything He calls us to do, and that kind of encouragement is hard to find. Like I said, I've been pretty blessed on this team.

Needless to say, I've never really felt that heavy feeling of ... its all on you. I mean I guess I have in some situations, but never so .. real. (Not usually fond of the leader role, keep that in mind don't forget that one its kind of important in why I suck at this, oh and also I hope you haven't already forgotten the main reason things get under my skin -scared, remember that one.) So basically, I've come to find that my responsibilities are a little overbearing right now. I'm not going to lie, I've been really frustrated with the lack of help I've received with what needs to be done before camp happens. No ones fault really, I just like to be whiny about a lot of things. But like I said, I've been blessed to have Jen who has already stepped up to say that since I am helplessly in Richmond and cannot help any girls raise money for camp, she would be around to take them wherever they need to be and stay by their side. Did I mention I love her? I mean, that's amazing lets be serious.

I was just informed that the team I love is splitting into two teams. I guess people feel like I can tackle middle creek without Jen and Austin, which I would love to see how that thought process played out, really. But in all seriousness, they feel strongly that Jen and Austin need to be at Holy Springs, and I need to be at middle creek. Let me start off by saying, I am overjoyed with what has already happened at Holy Springs. Christ is all OVER that place! I mean, I'm not kidding, I'm faint with joy about how Jen and the others have really pursued administration, kids, parents, and how such ease has been the reaction to meeting kids and introducing young life to this new school. I really had shivers at hearing about how real Christ was on the move there. Reaping the Spirit there, and those benefits.. its something to be praised, its pure and beautiful and I want nothing more than to say GOD IS GOOD!
Christ is all over Middle Creek too. In a different way, I see so many opportunities to let Him in, I see him in the need and the brokenness, It's so crazy how I personally have seen Him in just the few times I've been there.. (we're not allowed on campus here, but the days that I have been able to be there, they have not been coincidental and Christ is totally there).
So initially Jen is focused on Holly Springs (and rocking it, because shes awesome and did I say I love her 10 times yet, because I should) and Austin is both holly springs and middle creek, and has met guys at both schools, also rocking it. I am focused on middle creek. I don't have a car. But no excuses, Morgan has graciously taken me out there, not even on her team, and each encounter has been so exciting that I probably talk her ear off about how much I love them already.

I just found out that Austin is now solely focused on holly springs. I want this. But lets go back to my first problem.. I'm scared. I know that holly spring needs attention. I am excited for everything going on there. But I've heard Austin talk about his excitement for middle creek and holly springs, but I do understand its hard to focus on two different schools. I just pray that Middle Creek would know my Jesus, and I am so scared to tackle that alone.

so that's one little perspective of my big problem of being scared, now lets look at it as a whole. I mean why not? If I'm going to put my fears and insecurities and ugliness under a microscope for everyone in the world and their moms to see, I might as well examine everything.

I'm scared. I am so deeply afraid of what I'm doing all the time and who I am all the time that I am enslaved to that fear of failure, even when I know that the God of the universe personally loves me and has provided for me abundant life at my fingertips, I still chose death everyday, I still run from that life through these things that enslave me such as fear, and THAT is why I am human and sinful to the core of who I am, to my painful, broken, and poisoned heart. I. Am. Hurt. I still need Jesus everyday, just as much as I did the moment He found me and I accepted Him.

They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.
- 2 Peter 2:19

This is the very reason that I fall more in love with my Jesus everyday: He refines me. He is so patient in revealing Himself to me, He never gives up on me though I give up on myself and others give up on me, His love never runs dry to the point where the concept is so absurd and no longer familiar but outrageous and becoming harder and harder to grasp in such a beautiful way that it makes me laugh..

" I chortled and then prayed, wondering if prayer and laughter gurgled up, sometime, from the same spring" - Sena Naslund

He disciplines me because He loves me, He knows the longings of my heart, even deeper than my own understanding, and even I know that the ways of this world are constantly competing for His place as Lord of my life. I fail, everyday. He is sufficient and STILL I search after love, comfort, satisfaction, happiness, in all different places, illusions, and areas of my life. Sometimes I think about why I cannot forget myself fully to glorify Him and full fill His purpose for me. This fear that enslaves me just buries pain and bitterness, anger, indifference, feelings of intense separation and nothing feels right or whole when I let it seep into my life.. I admit it, right now, to God and everyone: I let jealousy reign in my life. I compare myself as a young life leader, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, as a christian. It is the THIEF of all joy. I let illusions and appearance overcome me and get in the way of loving Him, even when I KNOW that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman that fears the Lord is to be praised. It controls me sometimes and I cannot filter out what the world may think about me. I let doubt consume me, I cannot trust with so many areas of my life. It swallows my heart. I fall into self pity, when it's utterly ridiculous that something so small should upset me considering the blessings I've received. The norms of society enslave me. Am I too afraid to live a radical life for you Lord? Am I too uncomfortable with being bold for You? Wanting whats comfortable! Wanting. Why do I settle for that? I am so selfish. I am SO. selfish.

I pray, Holy Fountain, consume me with You. Captivate me with You. I constantly let my self consciousness and doubt tell me what I fear: failure. I tell myself I cannot possibly be what You called me to be. God, Let every chain break around me. Forgive me for what I am, for what I do, for what I don't do, for horribly representing your Son, for all of this fear that blocks your Spirit like a spring of living water, I am deeply sorry for my sin grieving others, for the way that it grieves You. Take me away from this place. Teach me to die to myself so that I will not be a slave to these things that have mastered me any longer, God. You are much bigger. You're presence is thick, your presence is tangible. That strength.. you never leave me. I want to yearn for your word, Put your desires in my heart, make me so open to your will, take everything else out, every selfish ambition out of my heart and purify me. I don't want to be apart of the ways of this world any longer, renew my mind, it's because of your precious Son and that he's chosen me, It's because of what Your Son has done for me that I can pray to you. Thank You God, may it continue to grow into such an absurd, beautiful love.
Amen.

novels

Sena Naslund is unbelievable with her words.. her language is so lyrical, alluring, and wise... I thought I'd share some passages i've recently come across:

          O Sunny Day, O golden sand, O loving breeze -- I would lounge and loaf forever, my spirit basking in your clear goodness, if I could. From how far away does the sunlight come to fall upon this one glittering grain I hold between my forefinger and my thumb? This grain is square as a quilt block, its edges straight as any carpenter cuts wood or glazier scores glass. Perhaps it is glass, or salt-- a crystal left by the water. I put it on the tip of my tongue and taste nothing salty. I push it sideways with my tongue and it is grit between my molars. I take it out again, all wet from my mouth. My stubborn sand grain lies drowned on the whorls of my forefinger. It can tell its fellows that it has been in a strange place. A wet, pink cave.

          Perhaps the mind as well as the mouth is a glistening, pink cave. As a child that image was available to me, for my mother read aloud how Plato likened his mind to a cave. But his was dark instead of pink. With this writing I wish to enter that opalescence and inhabit the pearly chamber of memory. Hindsight, retrospective wisdom, I leave, to the extent I can, at the threshold. But as a child, I was given much of the language of adults, and I continue to use it, even to describe my youth. I court the freshness, the immediacy, and all the resources of language that make the past tense strangely shine as though it were the present. 

___________________________________

The home where I first found my body, my feet not so much being pulled into this sandy beach as seeking downward, toes better than roots; then my mind, built not to chart this blue swell of heaving ocean, but the night sky, where the stars themselves, I do believe, heave and float and spin in fiery passions of their own..

____________________________________

I ceased looking through the window in order to contemplate the wavy glass itself. What was a window but a machine for making the opaque transparent? Then I regarded the window framing, which divided the four small lights by a slender, equal-armed cross between the panes..

_____________________________________

I sat on my mother's knee and listened to a bird sing. Mine was a darting mind, and it darted after the bird and its world, while I partly talked with my mother. With its song of Pretty, Pretty, Pretty, I imagined its crested red among the high green leaves of the tulip poplar, and then again diverted, imagined the way light shone through leaf so that you can see compartments and veins within the thin flatness.

_____________________________________

With the closing of the door, her image was lost to me again, but I pictured her by sound. When she straightened her arms, the wood rolled down to the hearth, and the rumble of the pieces jouncing each other, bruising and kissing the bark of their fellows and tumbling onto the hearthstones, was as pleasant and promising as any sound I know.

Beautiful. 

ghost

comfort was hard to find when you're a child who can't sleep.

For some reason I always found myself tracing my little fingers

along the wood design of your door

wondering if it would be okay to let myself knock.
wondering if maybe I could walk into your life and it would be okay,

It would be better.

I could usually see the light on, when I was younger.

you always seemed so much older than I was.

but even still, I was infatuated by the way you distanced yourself

the farther away you became the more I wanted to know you

but I didn't know how.
I still don't know how.

I followed you everywhere. We joke about it you know,

but I really wanted to be near you all the time.

I saved everything you made me, and the nights we fought over

silly childish things, I would cry with such strong conviction,

even so young I could feel that separation, so unsettling.

you. were ALWAYS. right.

no matter what, you knew the secrets of the universe, and I believed it

for so long. I became bitter soon after I realized it was kind of impossible

to be indulged in your world. I don't think you meant it,

but I will never forget the times you wanted to be left alone

and all I wanted to do was be anything for you.

anything.

Soon I just detached myself. Growing up for me was realizing that

you aren't really a hero.

It pains me to say it because I don't want you to think you've disappointed me

I don't want you to think that I look down on you, because I could never feel that way.

I still want that love from you, so much sometimes that I can't get past it

I get so angry.

I just want to know why, why don't you call me?

Why didn't you ever tell me you loved me, why can't we hug and talk about our lives?

no, not talk about our fucking lives but talk about who you are

and who I am

and what we really think and feel and want from these layers of life

I'm so sick of it, i'm so mad, i'm so hurt seeing your brokenness and just watching you

growing up for me was when I figured out what you need and what I need and

they're the same, we're the same.
and you don't see it, knowledge isn't everything, this is something I learned on my own

a man who is hurt will make himself an expert, but if you can't recognize that

than I don't know how to reach you and i've been looking for ways

but I've come to find its not so easy.

So I guess its like this: I'm still waiting at the door wondering

in case you're waiting on the other side and wondering..

I love you.