I took a break.
from writing I guess you could say.
I stuck with prayers, but all other thoughts and poems were put on hold. I don't really know what caused the writers block/strike, but for some reason I felt it was needed and would bring healing. Sometimes the mention of words is another idol that I believe in.
Since this summer I've really realized the failing power of words.
And sometimes when its time to write, I'm overcome with grief in the reality that words can also cut pretty deeply. I'm not always ready to hear them, feel their cold and lifeless shape in front of me.
But I am hopeful.
uncrowd my heart, Oh God,
until silence speaks
in Your still small voice;
turn me from the hearing of words,
and the making of words,
and the confusion of much speaking,
to listening, waiting, stillness,
silence.
- Thomas Merton
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, September 7, 2008
i like you
What is this welling up inside of my very heart
should I fear the touch of your eyelashes on my check bones
whispering gently the purpose of their being
enthralled by the life in your lips and the way that they curve and bend
I cannot seem to ever leave them
Your hands are so sweet when they meet my own
I want nothing more than to lose them in your embrace
I pine for one more kiss
one more promise that this is different
can it be?
I am so bewildered by the sincerity in your voice
the desire to instill in me the belief that
I am something worth holding to you
It penetrates and evaporates all other thoughts of doubt
Your heart seeks adventure and life
in simple goodness of the day's first promise
My mind is awake with the thoughts of
what God will graciously pour into my life
I wait in the storm of your eyes
reflecting clouds and complex mosaic structures
that keep me still and at peace
for He has made you to be a heart so loving
something I have never known or dared hope for
but I pray to know deeper still
even in the simple touch of your eyelashes
against my slender check..
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
time, words, and fears
Oh beauty, why are you not enough?
Why am I crying after love?
- Sara Teasdale
Why am I crying after love?
- Sara Teasdale
Translucent time is closing up its moments
and ripens inwards, throwing out its roots,
it grows within me, occupies me wholly,
its foliage flings me out deliriously...
- Octavio Paz
and ripens inwards, throwing out its roots,
it grows within me, occupies me wholly,
its foliage flings me out deliriously...
- Octavio Paz
Words hang like wash on the line, blowing in the winds of the mind.
- Rameshwar Das
- Rameshwar Das
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
a cross-centered life
Rilke said "if you think you are capable of living without writing, do not write" and I've tried to live it but it gets too heavy.. you know? I've gathered up my thoughts from this summer, weaving them together like waves, like particles of light (deb talan's method) and I too have imposed it on myself like a vow made in war: I will write or die. But you'll have to bare with me, its all very hazy, its all very grey. It's all very obsolete as everything becomes without recollection. But all the more, I figure I can at least poke at my thoughts with words and see what comes of it. Maybe a few rambled on pages, or maybe something from the heart. Who really knows?
I've come to the horrible realization of my ugly failure. Now I've said it often in the pit of inadequacy which seems to always rise around the time I must write it or die. But this time it sort of blind side hit me, with more hopelessness I could ever dare imagine. He lived the life we were created to live, and then He died to pay the price for the life we now live instead. We've heard some form of this over and over in our lives, as if it were some sort of an equation and we're supposed to figure out where we equal out, where we fit into it all. But the truth is, I don't think I'll ever be able to figure it out. What could possibly be in exchange for that kind of beauty?? And yet I do it everyday, this great exchange. We hear about the "great fall of man" This great descent into darkness. How foolish are we?! It wasn't a descent at all, it wasn't a fall, a trip, a hiccup, it was an exchange rather, a great exchange of truth for a lie. And that's why we will always be victims in a battle that we never had to fight. Then why. Why do I feel like I'm fighting everyday? If everything is said and done and paid for in the full with more grace than I will ever be able to understand or be gracious enough to pay back, than why does my brand new heart desire this world's attention so easily? If I am made new, not just a cleaned up, better version of my old self, why does my heart still love what is only temporary?
John told believers "My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One." - 1John 2:1
John tell us not to sin, but he knows that if anybody does sin (which we will, and he makes that quite clear) than we have an advocate in the Father. Jesus becomes the substitutionary atonement for the believer's sin. In this way the Father's wrath is propitiated, satisfied, turned away from my sin and directed towards Christ. So when I wake up everyday with this idea of who I am, what I think I have, what I think I can do, Jesus stands beside the Father and says No. You cannot punish her for that. You cannot punish her for her sin, her selfishness, her fear, her pride, her envy and jealousy, her lack of trust in everything You are, You cannot punish Mollie for the way she is grieving you, because I bore it all. I already paid for that, and Your grace is sufficient of all things.
This hurts. A little.
So by asking God for a redemptive heart, I've discovered a few things. It hurts. Redemption is a two way process. First its repentance, and then its like a downward slope into discovering the depth of how deeply sinful I am. I am more sinful than I've ever dared to imagine, but He is more loving than I've ever dared to dream. Until we see ourselves as "big" sinners, we cannot see Him as a "big" savior.
And this is where it hurts.
John also said, God is light. in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
- 1John 1:5-7
It hurts me because It's hard to walk in the light. I can walk in the light in a lot of aspects of my life, but a lot of areas remain cold and lifeless. I can have fellowship with God, and yet I deny the fellowship around me as a witness to my family.
This conviction has knocked the wind out of me:
being able to love on friends and the young life ministry, pursuing those relationships
and yet not being able to love my own family outwardly and deeply in the same amount.
It breaks my heart over and over again,
because I can preach the gospel in my foolish wisdom, something so dangerous and arrogant,
but the real tragedy, the real hurt, the real violence that is more alarming to me than seeing them stray from the path of Christ, is not what I say over and over to make them see the need for Jesus, or my ignorant attempt to persuade them the truth, it is the way that I throw away that need everyday, it is the way that I have not lived out the gospel to them in such a way that they can rightfully blame me for the way that I live and point out the gap between my words and my actions, the gap between Christ's salvation in me and my response to it, they can point at my faithlessness so raw and lifeless that I have nothing more to say about God's joy in my life.
And the truth is any potential I have for transformation in me is Christ himself, none of it is me. And yet I don't receive it. Day in and day out I leave it there because I say Yes Christ, I believe in you, Yes Jesus, I trust in you with my WHOLE life, but right now, in this moment, I need ___ (this) to make me happy.
It makes me sick. I guess this is where I am.. On the edge of diving into the depth of my sinful nature.. where I will then repel downward into this lonely, painful place, until I have been broken down to where I can only see Christ.
....................______......................................______
......................................................\................................/......................
........................................................\_____/.......................
He will be my trampoline back up and out of my despair, and even still, knowing all of this, it breaks my heart that I can take the beauty of His grace, and accept that salvation for myself, what He did for me on the cross, and then turn that beauty into filth as I try and earn the rest of that righteousness with the way I follow Him and my behavior to constantly be proving my faith to myself, Him, and other people. Jesus says that my best attempt is like a filthy rag. Ouch.
So I guess the purpose of my writing is to make it known so that loneliness, something that Satan uses in me often by isolating and suppressing my emotions so that I feel like literally the only one going through this, wont be able to enslave me any deeper. I need to see these shattered, frustrated, and confused pieces of my life that are still walking in darkness so that I can begin to respond not simply by a 'right behavior' but by being truly compelled and consumed by a love much bigger than I ever could dream, and letting that fall afresh on my life, breaking me free of my chains, and transforming me.
The deeper I dive into the pit of my sin and need, the deeper love and electrifying grace I will find. I just pray I can be brave enough to surrender to it all, that I can have Him search all of me..
Please, make this a dialogue.
I need to see more clearly.
I've come to the horrible realization of my ugly failure. Now I've said it often in the pit of inadequacy which seems to always rise around the time I must write it or die. But this time it sort of blind side hit me, with more hopelessness I could ever dare imagine. He lived the life we were created to live, and then He died to pay the price for the life we now live instead. We've heard some form of this over and over in our lives, as if it were some sort of an equation and we're supposed to figure out where we equal out, where we fit into it all. But the truth is, I don't think I'll ever be able to figure it out. What could possibly be in exchange for that kind of beauty?? And yet I do it everyday, this great exchange. We hear about the "great fall of man" This great descent into darkness. How foolish are we?! It wasn't a descent at all, it wasn't a fall, a trip, a hiccup, it was an exchange rather, a great exchange of truth for a lie. And that's why we will always be victims in a battle that we never had to fight. Then why. Why do I feel like I'm fighting everyday? If everything is said and done and paid for in the full with more grace than I will ever be able to understand or be gracious enough to pay back, than why does my brand new heart desire this world's attention so easily? If I am made new, not just a cleaned up, better version of my old self, why does my heart still love what is only temporary?
John told believers "My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense - Jesus Christ, the Righteous One." - 1John 2:1
John tell us not to sin, but he knows that if anybody does sin (which we will, and he makes that quite clear) than we have an advocate in the Father. Jesus becomes the substitutionary atonement for the believer's sin. In this way the Father's wrath is propitiated, satisfied, turned away from my sin and directed towards Christ. So when I wake up everyday with this idea of who I am, what I think I have, what I think I can do, Jesus stands beside the Father and says No. You cannot punish her for that. You cannot punish her for her sin, her selfishness, her fear, her pride, her envy and jealousy, her lack of trust in everything You are, You cannot punish Mollie for the way she is grieving you, because I bore it all. I already paid for that, and Your grace is sufficient of all things.
This hurts. A little.
So by asking God for a redemptive heart, I've discovered a few things. It hurts. Redemption is a two way process. First its repentance, and then its like a downward slope into discovering the depth of how deeply sinful I am. I am more sinful than I've ever dared to imagine, but He is more loving than I've ever dared to dream. Until we see ourselves as "big" sinners, we cannot see Him as a "big" savior.
And this is where it hurts.
John also said, God is light. in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
- 1John 1:5-7
It hurts me because It's hard to walk in the light. I can walk in the light in a lot of aspects of my life, but a lot of areas remain cold and lifeless. I can have fellowship with God, and yet I deny the fellowship around me as a witness to my family.
This conviction has knocked the wind out of me:
being able to love on friends and the young life ministry, pursuing those relationships
and yet not being able to love my own family outwardly and deeply in the same amount.
It breaks my heart over and over again,
because I can preach the gospel in my foolish wisdom, something so dangerous and arrogant,
but the real tragedy, the real hurt, the real violence that is more alarming to me than seeing them stray from the path of Christ, is not what I say over and over to make them see the need for Jesus, or my ignorant attempt to persuade them the truth, it is the way that I throw away that need everyday, it is the way that I have not lived out the gospel to them in such a way that they can rightfully blame me for the way that I live and point out the gap between my words and my actions, the gap between Christ's salvation in me and my response to it, they can point at my faithlessness so raw and lifeless that I have nothing more to say about God's joy in my life.
And the truth is any potential I have for transformation in me is Christ himself, none of it is me. And yet I don't receive it. Day in and day out I leave it there because I say Yes Christ, I believe in you, Yes Jesus, I trust in you with my WHOLE life, but right now, in this moment, I need ___ (this) to make me happy.
It makes me sick. I guess this is where I am.. On the edge of diving into the depth of my sinful nature.. where I will then repel downward into this lonely, painful place, until I have been broken down to where I can only see Christ.
....................______......................................______
......................................................\................................/......................
........................................................\_____/.......................
He will be my trampoline back up and out of my despair, and even still, knowing all of this, it breaks my heart that I can take the beauty of His grace, and accept that salvation for myself, what He did for me on the cross, and then turn that beauty into filth as I try and earn the rest of that righteousness with the way I follow Him and my behavior to constantly be proving my faith to myself, Him, and other people. Jesus says that my best attempt is like a filthy rag. Ouch.
So I guess the purpose of my writing is to make it known so that loneliness, something that Satan uses in me often by isolating and suppressing my emotions so that I feel like literally the only one going through this, wont be able to enslave me any deeper. I need to see these shattered, frustrated, and confused pieces of my life that are still walking in darkness so that I can begin to respond not simply by a 'right behavior' but by being truly compelled and consumed by a love much bigger than I ever could dream, and letting that fall afresh on my life, breaking me free of my chains, and transforming me.
The deeper I dive into the pit of my sin and need, the deeper love and electrifying grace I will find. I just pray I can be brave enough to surrender to it all, that I can have Him search all of me..
Please, make this a dialogue.
I need to see more clearly.
Friday, May 23, 2008
doctor doctor my hearts made of glass
I heard a song today and it made me think about something.
There are a LOT of songs out there that include the whole doctor metaphor.
Although, it's interesting, because the lyrics seem to reach out for more than just a doctor to help with cures or phsyical needs, but they seem to reach more profound places, touching on a need for something more.. our world is crying out for a Healer, it's absolutely everywhere, just turn on your radio and do a little more than just hearing the music.. really listen to it.
How long must I wait held up in depression?
I tried to erase my past, to make a good impression
But my broken horn's lost the tune
And only shattered mirrors fill my room
Fell for you and only got me down
Well Doctor Doctor come give me the cure
Easily obsess on an open sore
Doctor Doctor can't get no relief
This losing sleep is misery
Won't you come and rescue me?
Doctor, Doctor
- matt costa
I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you that you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
- bright eyes
And despite what all the studies had shown
In what was mistaken for closeness was just a case of mitosis
Why do some show no mercy
While others are painfully shy?
Tell me doctor can you quantify?
‘Cause he just wants to know the reason why
Why do they congregate in groups of four
Scatter like a billion spores
And let the wind just carry them away?
How can kids be so mean
Our famous doctor tried to glean
As he went home at the end of the day
In this Nature show that rages every day
Well does anybody's intuition say
That we are all basically alone.
- andrew bird
Since my people are crushed, I am crushed;
I mourn and horror grips me.
Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no physician there?
Why then is there no healing
for the wound of my people?
Oh, that my head were a spring of water
and my eyes a fountain of tears!
Jeremiah 8:21-22...
Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it;
I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.
I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity
and will rebuild them as they were before.
I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed agaisnt me
Jeremiah 33:6-8
Praise God! There is a Healer!
There are a LOT of songs out there that include the whole doctor metaphor.
Although, it's interesting, because the lyrics seem to reach out for more than just a doctor to help with cures or phsyical needs, but they seem to reach more profound places, touching on a need for something more.. our world is crying out for a Healer, it's absolutely everywhere, just turn on your radio and do a little more than just hearing the music.. really listen to it.
How long must I wait held up in depression?
I tried to erase my past, to make a good impression
But my broken horn's lost the tune
And only shattered mirrors fill my room
Fell for you and only got me down
Well Doctor Doctor come give me the cure
Easily obsess on an open sore
Doctor Doctor can't get no relief
This losing sleep is misery
Won't you come and rescue me?
Doctor, Doctor
- matt costa
I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "I am terribly sorry but there is nothing I can do for you that you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
- bright eyes
And despite what all the studies had shown
In what was mistaken for closeness was just a case of mitosis
Why do some show no mercy
While others are painfully shy?
Tell me doctor can you quantify?
‘Cause he just wants to know the reason why
Why do they congregate in groups of four
Scatter like a billion spores
And let the wind just carry them away?
How can kids be so mean
Our famous doctor tried to glean
As he went home at the end of the day
In this Nature show that rages every day
Well does anybody's intuition say
That we are all basically alone.
- andrew bird
Since my people are crushed, I am crushed;
I mourn and horror grips me.
Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no physician there?
Why then is there no healing
for the wound of my people?
Oh, that my head were a spring of water
and my eyes a fountain of tears!
Jeremiah 8:21-22...
Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it;
I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.
I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity
and will rebuild them as they were before.
I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed agaisnt me
Jeremiah 33:6-8
Praise God! There is a Healer!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
i feel it
"I was shocked not so much at the blow
but by the calmness of my own voice.
But tears had jumped into my eyes."
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
scared
I guess if there is a place to talk about your deepest fears, this would be it.
Even though words, like everything else, fail you.
I'm scared.
Let me start off by admitting what I try to cover up. Because its not worth it, and in order for anyone reading this to understand why certain things in life get under my skin, you should probably know that its really only because I'm scared. That way, we can both be enlightened on how pathetic that really is. Okay. Good? Good. Moving on.
I kind of always knew I would struggle being a young life leader. Well, a leader at all to be real with you. I'm the most disorganized, scatter-brained, unreliable, flaky person you'll ever meet probably (it's okay, I'm going to be extremely honest with you in this blog, so don't let anything shock you even though I'm sure it hasn't yet). I was blessed to be on a team with Jen Lewis. Meet my mom of the middle creek/holy springs team. She's fantastic! I can honestly say that when I got a phone call that they affirmed my calling of being a young life leader, I was still hesitant until I saw that she was on my team, and then I decided to breathe for the first time. She is organized. She calls me when anything is happening or when I need to be anywhere, and more than half of the time, my reaction is usually "oh! I had no idea.. okay, be right there." She is patient with me, understands me, is always pursuing me and loving me. I love her, really. Austin is the most enthusiastic, energetic, positive person there is. I've probably only had about a MILLION frustrated choked-up-snot-dripping-down-my-nose kind of cries with him firmly saying "Mollie. Trust. This is going to work out. This is the Big Man we're talking about." He is the constant reminder of the group that we can do anything He calls us to do, and that kind of encouragement is hard to find. Like I said, I've been pretty blessed on this team.
Needless to say, I've never really felt that heavy feeling of ... its all on you. I mean I guess I have in some situations, but never so .. real. (Not usually fond of the leader role, keep that in mind don't forget that one its kind of important in why I suck at this, oh and also I hope you haven't already forgotten the main reason things get under my skin -scared, remember that one.) So basically, I've come to find that my responsibilities are a little overbearing right now. I'm not going to lie, I've been really frustrated with the lack of help I've received with what needs to be done before camp happens. No ones fault really, I just like to be whiny about a lot of things. But like I said, I've been blessed to have Jen who has already stepped up to say that since I am helplessly in Richmond and cannot help any girls raise money for camp, she would be around to take them wherever they need to be and stay by their side. Did I mention I love her? I mean, that's amazing lets be serious.
I was just informed that the team I love is splitting into two teams. I guess people feel like I can tackle middle creek without Jen and Austin, which I would love to see how that thought process played out, really. But in all seriousness, they feel strongly that Jen and Austin need to be at Holy Springs, and I need to be at middle creek. Let me start off by saying, I am overjoyed with what has already happened at Holy Springs. Christ is all OVER that place! I mean, I'm not kidding, I'm faint with joy about how Jen and the others have really pursued administration, kids, parents, and how such ease has been the reaction to meeting kids and introducing young life to this new school. I really had shivers at hearing about how real Christ was on the move there. Reaping the Spirit there, and those benefits.. its something to be praised, its pure and beautiful and I want nothing more than to say GOD IS GOOD!
Christ is all over Middle Creek too. In a different way, I see so many opportunities to let Him in, I see him in the need and the brokenness, It's so crazy how I personally have seen Him in just the few times I've been there.. (we're not allowed on campus here, but the days that I have been able to be there, they have not been coincidental and Christ is totally there).
So initially Jen is focused on Holly Springs (and rocking it, because shes awesome and did I say I love her 10 times yet, because I should) and Austin is both holly springs and middle creek, and has met guys at both schools, also rocking it. I am focused on middle creek. I don't have a car. But no excuses, Morgan has graciously taken me out there, not even on her team, and each encounter has been so exciting that I probably talk her ear off about how much I love them already.
I just found out that Austin is now solely focused on holly springs. I want this. But lets go back to my first problem.. I'm scared. I know that holly spring needs attention. I am excited for everything going on there. But I've heard Austin talk about his excitement for middle creek and holly springs, but I do understand its hard to focus on two different schools. I just pray that Middle Creek would know my Jesus, and I am so scared to tackle that alone.
so that's one little perspective of my big problem of being scared, now lets look at it as a whole. I mean why not? If I'm going to put my fears and insecurities and ugliness under a microscope for everyone in the world and their moms to see, I might as well examine everything.
I'm scared. I am so deeply afraid of what I'm doing all the time and who I am all the time that I am enslaved to that fear of failure, even when I know that the God of the universe personally loves me and has provided for me abundant life at my fingertips, I still chose death everyday, I still run from that life through these things that enslave me such as fear, and THAT is why I am human and sinful to the core of who I am, to my painful, broken, and poisoned heart. I. Am. Hurt. I still need Jesus everyday, just as much as I did the moment He found me and I accepted Him.
They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.
- 2 Peter 2:19
This is the very reason that I fall more in love with my Jesus everyday: He refines me. He is so patient in revealing Himself to me, He never gives up on me though I give up on myself and others give up on me, His love never runs dry to the point where the concept is so absurd and no longer familiar but outrageous and becoming harder and harder to grasp in such a beautiful way that it makes me laugh..
" I chortled and then prayed, wondering if prayer and laughter gurgled up, sometime, from the same spring" - Sena Naslund
He disciplines me because He loves me, He knows the longings of my heart, even deeper than my own understanding, and even I know that the ways of this world are constantly competing for His place as Lord of my life. I fail, everyday. He is sufficient and STILL I search after love, comfort, satisfaction, happiness, in all different places, illusions, and areas of my life. Sometimes I think about why I cannot forget myself fully to glorify Him and full fill His purpose for me. This fear that enslaves me just buries pain and bitterness, anger, indifference, feelings of intense separation and nothing feels right or whole when I let it seep into my life.. I admit it, right now, to God and everyone: I let jealousy reign in my life. I compare myself as a young life leader, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, as a christian. It is the THIEF of all joy. I let illusions and appearance overcome me and get in the way of loving Him, even when I KNOW that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman that fears the Lord is to be praised. It controls me sometimes and I cannot filter out what the world may think about me. I let doubt consume me, I cannot trust with so many areas of my life. It swallows my heart. I fall into self pity, when it's utterly ridiculous that something so small should upset me considering the blessings I've received. The norms of society enslave me. Am I too afraid to live a radical life for you Lord? Am I too uncomfortable with being bold for You? Wanting whats comfortable! Wanting. Why do I settle for that? I am so selfish. I am SO. selfish.
I pray, Holy Fountain, consume me with You. Captivate me with You. I constantly let my self consciousness and doubt tell me what I fear: failure. I tell myself I cannot possibly be what You called me to be. God, Let every chain break around me. Forgive me for what I am, for what I do, for what I don't do, for horribly representing your Son, for all of this fear that blocks your Spirit like a spring of living water, I am deeply sorry for my sin grieving others, for the way that it grieves You. Take me away from this place. Teach me to die to myself so that I will not be a slave to these things that have mastered me any longer, God. You are much bigger. You're presence is thick, your presence is tangible. That strength.. you never leave me. I want to yearn for your word, Put your desires in my heart, make me so open to your will, take everything else out, every selfish ambition out of my heart and purify me. I don't want to be apart of the ways of this world any longer, renew my mind, it's because of your precious Son and that he's chosen me, It's because of what Your Son has done for me that I can pray to you. Thank You God, may it continue to grow into such an absurd, beautiful love.
Amen.
Even though words, like everything else, fail you.
I'm scared.
Let me start off by admitting what I try to cover up. Because its not worth it, and in order for anyone reading this to understand why certain things in life get under my skin, you should probably know that its really only because I'm scared. That way, we can both be enlightened on how pathetic that really is. Okay. Good? Good. Moving on.
I kind of always knew I would struggle being a young life leader. Well, a leader at all to be real with you. I'm the most disorganized, scatter-brained, unreliable, flaky person you'll ever meet probably (it's okay, I'm going to be extremely honest with you in this blog, so don't let anything shock you even though I'm sure it hasn't yet). I was blessed to be on a team with Jen Lewis. Meet my mom of the middle creek/holy springs team. She's fantastic! I can honestly say that when I got a phone call that they affirmed my calling of being a young life leader, I was still hesitant until I saw that she was on my team, and then I decided to breathe for the first time. She is organized. She calls me when anything is happening or when I need to be anywhere, and more than half of the time, my reaction is usually "oh! I had no idea.. okay, be right there." She is patient with me, understands me, is always pursuing me and loving me. I love her, really. Austin is the most enthusiastic, energetic, positive person there is. I've probably only had about a MILLION frustrated choked-up-snot-dripping-down-my-nose kind of cries with him firmly saying "Mollie. Trust. This is going to work out. This is the Big Man we're talking about." He is the constant reminder of the group that we can do anything He calls us to do, and that kind of encouragement is hard to find. Like I said, I've been pretty blessed on this team.
Needless to say, I've never really felt that heavy feeling of ... its all on you. I mean I guess I have in some situations, but never so .. real. (Not usually fond of the leader role, keep that in mind don't forget that one its kind of important in why I suck at this, oh and also I hope you haven't already forgotten the main reason things get under my skin -scared, remember that one.) So basically, I've come to find that my responsibilities are a little overbearing right now. I'm not going to lie, I've been really frustrated with the lack of help I've received with what needs to be done before camp happens. No ones fault really, I just like to be whiny about a lot of things. But like I said, I've been blessed to have Jen who has already stepped up to say that since I am helplessly in Richmond and cannot help any girls raise money for camp, she would be around to take them wherever they need to be and stay by their side. Did I mention I love her? I mean, that's amazing lets be serious.
I was just informed that the team I love is splitting into two teams. I guess people feel like I can tackle middle creek without Jen and Austin, which I would love to see how that thought process played out, really. But in all seriousness, they feel strongly that Jen and Austin need to be at Holy Springs, and I need to be at middle creek. Let me start off by saying, I am overjoyed with what has already happened at Holy Springs. Christ is all OVER that place! I mean, I'm not kidding, I'm faint with joy about how Jen and the others have really pursued administration, kids, parents, and how such ease has been the reaction to meeting kids and introducing young life to this new school. I really had shivers at hearing about how real Christ was on the move there. Reaping the Spirit there, and those benefits.. its something to be praised, its pure and beautiful and I want nothing more than to say GOD IS GOOD!
Christ is all over Middle Creek too. In a different way, I see so many opportunities to let Him in, I see him in the need and the brokenness, It's so crazy how I personally have seen Him in just the few times I've been there.. (we're not allowed on campus here, but the days that I have been able to be there, they have not been coincidental and Christ is totally there).
So initially Jen is focused on Holly Springs (and rocking it, because shes awesome and did I say I love her 10 times yet, because I should) and Austin is both holly springs and middle creek, and has met guys at both schools, also rocking it. I am focused on middle creek. I don't have a car. But no excuses, Morgan has graciously taken me out there, not even on her team, and each encounter has been so exciting that I probably talk her ear off about how much I love them already.
I just found out that Austin is now solely focused on holly springs. I want this. But lets go back to my first problem.. I'm scared. I know that holly spring needs attention. I am excited for everything going on there. But I've heard Austin talk about his excitement for middle creek and holly springs, but I do understand its hard to focus on two different schools. I just pray that Middle Creek would know my Jesus, and I am so scared to tackle that alone.
so that's one little perspective of my big problem of being scared, now lets look at it as a whole. I mean why not? If I'm going to put my fears and insecurities and ugliness under a microscope for everyone in the world and their moms to see, I might as well examine everything.
I'm scared. I am so deeply afraid of what I'm doing all the time and who I am all the time that I am enslaved to that fear of failure, even when I know that the God of the universe personally loves me and has provided for me abundant life at my fingertips, I still chose death everyday, I still run from that life through these things that enslave me such as fear, and THAT is why I am human and sinful to the core of who I am, to my painful, broken, and poisoned heart. I. Am. Hurt. I still need Jesus everyday, just as much as I did the moment He found me and I accepted Him.
They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.
- 2 Peter 2:19
This is the very reason that I fall more in love with my Jesus everyday: He refines me. He is so patient in revealing Himself to me, He never gives up on me though I give up on myself and others give up on me, His love never runs dry to the point where the concept is so absurd and no longer familiar but outrageous and becoming harder and harder to grasp in such a beautiful way that it makes me laugh..
" I chortled and then prayed, wondering if prayer and laughter gurgled up, sometime, from the same spring" - Sena Naslund
He disciplines me because He loves me, He knows the longings of my heart, even deeper than my own understanding, and even I know that the ways of this world are constantly competing for His place as Lord of my life. I fail, everyday. He is sufficient and STILL I search after love, comfort, satisfaction, happiness, in all different places, illusions, and areas of my life. Sometimes I think about why I cannot forget myself fully to glorify Him and full fill His purpose for me. This fear that enslaves me just buries pain and bitterness, anger, indifference, feelings of intense separation and nothing feels right or whole when I let it seep into my life.. I admit it, right now, to God and everyone: I let jealousy reign in my life. I compare myself as a young life leader, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, as a christian. It is the THIEF of all joy. I let illusions and appearance overcome me and get in the way of loving Him, even when I KNOW that charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman that fears the Lord is to be praised. It controls me sometimes and I cannot filter out what the world may think about me. I let doubt consume me, I cannot trust with so many areas of my life. It swallows my heart. I fall into self pity, when it's utterly ridiculous that something so small should upset me considering the blessings I've received. The norms of society enslave me. Am I too afraid to live a radical life for you Lord? Am I too uncomfortable with being bold for You? Wanting whats comfortable! Wanting. Why do I settle for that? I am so selfish. I am SO. selfish.
I pray, Holy Fountain, consume me with You. Captivate me with You. I constantly let my self consciousness and doubt tell me what I fear: failure. I tell myself I cannot possibly be what You called me to be. God, Let every chain break around me. Forgive me for what I am, for what I do, for what I don't do, for horribly representing your Son, for all of this fear that blocks your Spirit like a spring of living water, I am deeply sorry for my sin grieving others, for the way that it grieves You. Take me away from this place. Teach me to die to myself so that I will not be a slave to these things that have mastered me any longer, God. You are much bigger. You're presence is thick, your presence is tangible. That strength.. you never leave me. I want to yearn for your word, Put your desires in my heart, make me so open to your will, take everything else out, every selfish ambition out of my heart and purify me. I don't want to be apart of the ways of this world any longer, renew my mind, it's because of your precious Son and that he's chosen me, It's because of what Your Son has done for me that I can pray to you. Thank You God, may it continue to grow into such an absurd, beautiful love.
Amen.
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