You knit me together in my mother's womb

Chantelle radiates light.

If you have felt the binding of an old book, crinkled at the pages

If you have danced in the sand and remembered an old conversation

If you have heard the sound of crickets and angels singing in the dark and open fields

If you have layed on a roof top and watched the stars break into a m i l l i o n pieces

If you have left in the middle of the night to be with a friend

If you have seen the skinny rim of daylight creep over the spilling mass of open water

If you have stood in the bed of a truck going through a tunnel just to feel infinite

or spun around in circles to be in two places at once

If you have walked along the railroad tracks to find their secret's end

If you have read words that make you laugh and music that makes you cry

If you have befriended the silent and promised to make the mundane beautiful

If you have seen that light

Then you have seen a little piece of her.

There is no one like her. Not one.




Since she told me the news, there was heartbreak, fear, and tears, but through it all - strength evaded the surface. I have seen her grow in her faith, her love, and her tummy. I have stayed up late listening to her beautiful mind try to reconstruct what was so often like broken glass - small reflections of what was true because of the sin and muck of our world, but pieces that could not fit together. Pieces that she tried to mold into justice, identity, and comfort, but what for so long remained little holes and cuts of an open wound.

Prayer became like breathing. I will never forget the little reminders of Christ, his perfect love reaching out in the back of Hooters where she sat, reading in awe of the reconciliation of the Lord when he said, Come. I won't forget her words, sitting at the dinning room table in the middle of the day after grocery shopping, rolling out of her mouth like heavy paper the words of her past, her mother's past, ancient past. The look in her eyes was desperate and relieved at the same time.

Waiting in those dark rooms for the picture to ingrain a figure, or outline a map to a new world. Waiting for the picture to envelop the essence of life inside blood cells, little blue veins, and a daughter. We saw her little spine curve and bend, we saw her hands praying. Praying and breathing.

Oh Lord, You crown us with Your steadfast love. You call out the starry host, one by one. You are the great divider, from present past to future eternity. You knew the depths of our hearts before You even flung the universe into existence. You knew the depths, and yet You made us Your children. How great is Your love! How great is Your name! God, You gave me this friend, to cherish her life dearly. And although You didn't have to, You gave me the peace that when I couldn't be there, when we couldn't be there, You were there. When I failed her, You were still pursuing her and giving her wisdom. Thank You for allowing me to see the moment: Sitting in her chair, reading Your Word with her hand on her stomach, cradling her child with Your presence while the whole room filled with other people's noise. When we didn't see the glory of what You were doing, You still gathered Your child and her child to Yourself.

When I hold this baby, I will praise Your name.

God, because You created life out of desolation. I cannot wait to watch this baby grow up to know her story. Your story. Your beautiful story of redemption, and I pray that she is so much like her mother. That music and words move her deeply, that she desires to feel infinite and loved. That she sits on top of a roof overlooking your splendor, talking with an old friend, and knowing, this is it. That You are light.



Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
- psalm 51:5-6


O Lord, You have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where sall I go from Your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was one of them.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with You.......
[psalm 139]