two ideals

Coffee is pouring out my ears
It's the only thing they have in here
And my heart stops beating
Number tree still on my plate
I heard the trains are running late
And I laugh out loud
My life is a mess
I have gone too far
In my lifelessness
-Emiliana Torrini

I was talking with a good friend - you know, the three in the morning kind of talks when the lights are out and you can hear so sharply through the night that it is almost piercing and you can't see their faces but it makes you feel so close to them at the same time...
She told me it dawned on her that most christians are after these two ideals:
One is to live a life after God's own heart. Completely surrendered not worrying about this world's desires. The other is a life defined by worldy success, or rather a "picture perfect" life in whatever way that may be, not necessarily rich but comfortable, desiring to be pretty, have a pretty husband, have a pretty family and a pretty job and a pretty life style. She said that its these two ideals that for some reason, we think we can have both of them. By packing on my make up and buying the most expensive clothes there is and saying that I follow Jesus is letting seekers know that it's okay to hold onto that other life, its letting them know that you can have both. And you can have both, but its not a full surrender, there will always be something holding you back. She said she was at a conference FULL of Godly women, and looking at them she realized. They were plastic, completely colored by the tanning bed and bleached teeth and curled eyelashes, talking about how we must truly believe that God can satisfy all of our needs. When will the world not consume me? what will it take? Then later the same night my other friend showed me a song that was so beautiful and so convicting for some reason.

used to be one of
the rotten ones
and I liked you for that
now you're all gone
got your makeup on
and you aint coming back
bleeching your teeth
smile like a flash
talking trash under your breath
or under my window
park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me
- Broken Social Scene

are we all made to be radical with the way we are living? For some reason there is something in the way right now, and it's a little unsettling. I can't keep still about it.

i'm really only sure of this..

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights,
get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me
But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
- Kimya Dawson

conviction

I was talking to a girl across my hall once that was agnostic and I asked her why she believed what she did, or rather why she didn't believe what she didn't and she said
Everyone wants to be loved
but no one wants to love
and as I agreed and sat in silence, I wanted so badly to tell her I was sorry. Sometimes you don't have to be painfully aware to hear the painful truth, it just kind of knocks on your door and you hear it loud.

it's the painful growing that gets you there.

I know someone that wants to love
I hope they find each other.


[ I believe in windy days when everything
gets blown away 'cause when our eyes close we're the same... - Page France ] <3::.

new year

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go? His presence seems farther and farther away each day but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay
Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..Shhh..Did you hear it?
Listen again.Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting
It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.
-- Bradley Hathaway

"The world has changed a lot. We are dinosaurs walking around in a sea of digital realities;
things do not weigh as much as they used to. "
- Sean Hayes

Be present.
Be present.
Be present.

I don't think I believe in New Years resolutions. Don't ask why, it just feels too forced. But I guess if I really reflect on the upcoming year, I'd like to look back and feel that I had learned to love people more outwardly and pursue people more deeply. I want to be present. I want to abide. I want to listen and be outside of myself. But mostly I want the desire to have Him radically transform my heart.